Today, I’d like to take a break from Iran and Patagonia to talk again about Janapar, my previous adventure film and book project, with which which some of you may be (for me) uncomfortably familiar.
It’s been more than two years since James and I released the film to the world on DVD and as a download via iTunes, Amazon and elsewhere. This, unfortunately, is a long time in the film and book industry, and sales have been steadily declining since the release. Yet we still have not recouped our costs for the project, and our accountant is getting increasingly ratty about it.
Over the last few months, then, I’ve been dreaming up clever ways to stimulate renewed interest in the weird story of my unorthodox love-life.
And today, I’m really excited to be able to share with you a brand new range of merchandise from the film and book!
Let’s begin with the limited-edition men’s and women’s T‑shirts in a range of sizes and colours and shapes.
These unique T‑shirts are emblazoned with inspirational quotes from the film. Men’s tees sport Tom’s classic opener, “I really don’t know… what I’m doing”, whereas women’s tees proudly feature Tenny’s all-time show-stopper, “The public?!?”.
Made from 100% organic sun-bleached cotton, and pre-sweated-into by Tom and Tenny themselves for a truly authentic look, these T‑shirts are hand-stitched in real Armenian orphanages – so you’ll be supporting a corrupt former-Soviet republic with every purchase.
Next up is the all-new Tom Allen failed-round-the-world-cyclist action figure!
Constructed entirely from recycled 1.5‑litre mineral water bottles, the figure cycles round and round in circles, wearing a stupid hat and asking, “What the f*** am I doing here?” over and over again before face-planting into the concrete.
Suitable for kids of all ages. (It’s a wind-up; no batteries needed.)
The final item of merchandise is pretty special – a replica of the actual bicycle Tom rode in Janapar, with a free turbo-trainer thrown in so you can re-enact the entire movie from the comfort of your own home!
The bike is, in fact, entirely unsuited to touring. You too can spend four months slogging across Europe when it should only take you two. For the ultimate in authenticity we’ve arbitrarily spray-painted bits of it orange, pre-broken the frame at the rear dropout, and had it fixed by a Middle Eastern back-street welder who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing.
Comes with a free Tom Allen waterproof face mask and a free inflatable globe!
I’ll let the accountant know you’re coming. Enjoy!